I’m documenting my pregnancy in the same dress throughout (the dress seems like it will be stretchy enough to make it, but keep your fingers crossed for me). This is my eleventh PREGNANCY update.
I’ve been trying to sing to the bean in the mornings. The past few days I’ve just kept singing Elton John’s “Your Song” over and over again.
Yesterday I heard a song on the radio for the first time called “All About that Bass,” and there’s a line that says “Every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top” and I just cried in the car. Cried at how much I want you to know that and how much I never want you to doubt yourself or not love your body or not feel beautiful. I cried at how much I won’t be able to protect you from, but then I remembered that it’s the hard and painful experiences that have made me who I am and made me appreciate all the good and the joy and the beauty life has for us.
We’ve taken three classes now: Childbirth prep, Breastfeeding, and Intro to Pediatrics. We got a lot of information thrown at us, and mostly it just made me a combination of slightly more anxious and slightly more prepared. At the end of the day, I know there’s no number of power point slides that can prepare us for what’s coming. I’m leaning a lot on Viet these days, and he’s been a constant source of strength and confidence. Together I know we can do anything. Together we can surely bring this little one into the world and keep her alive. Those are my goals right now: Bring her into the world. Keep her alive. Oh, and love the heck out of her, obvi.
On friday we had our first ultrasound since we found out the gender. The bean is packed in there tight. And she’s riding low. I’ve been 110% sure that she’s been head down the entire time. At each of her checkups, the doc always finds her heartbeat pretty low below my belly button. I was shocked at how low she was on the ultrasound though. She was so low we couldn’t see her head!
Work has been so crazy that I’m hoping I make it all the way to my due date so I can squeeze in as much prep time as I can. But with the little one this ready, we are going to be ready for her to arrive any time.
Oh, and I just found this amazing site with all sorts of brilliant essays about motherhood thanks to my one of my favorite bloggers Elise. Mama and Mama to be friends, check it out.
- the bump: It has officially taken over my body. I am all bump.
- the pounds: +25 pounds and feeling a lot heavier. All of a sudden it’s a bit tougher to breathe. Walking up hill this week I was heaving a bit, and I thought to myself, sheesh it feels like I’ve gained twenty pounds. Oh right. I have. Ain’t no thang, I’m just carrying around a little bean in here.
- the cravings: hmm. suddenly I’m just craving lots of food. LOTS of food. All the time.
- the clothes: double eh. Now I’m just wearing all the tent-like maternity shirts and dresses I own. Justttt the tents.
- the exercise: I’ve been keeping up with my yoga except for last week. I caught a wicked cold I couldn’t shake, so I had to miss a class.
- the aches: I’m feeling pretty good. My back has gotten worse at night. It will wake me up and then I have to flip over to the other side, but during the day I’m feeling mostly golden.
- the swelling: this is a new category. My feet are swollen. It just sorta happened overnight. The only shoes that fit are sandals and moccasins. Luckily I have several pairs of both. 🙂
- movement: The movement feels more contained since she’s so big now, but she’s still strong.
- queasiness?: none
- gender: In case you missed it, IT’S A . . .
- belly button: It doesn’t looked like I thought it would, but I’m pretty sure this is as out as it gets. 🙂
- rings on?: Well, sorta. They were feeling too cramped on my left hand, so I’ve started wearing my engagement ring on my right hand and my wedding band on my left. I kinda like mixing it up, and split up they feel fine.
- Eating confessions: Chocolate. I can’t give it up. I know some people give up chocolate when they’re pregnant, but I haven’t.
Make a list of my favorite baby books and kid books to build our collection Check
Sent Thank You cards (finally) Check
Plan the walls in the nursery. Check
Make a birth plan Check
Finish the bean’s knitted blanket Check!
Buy new couches. Check
Designed and printed Thank You notes! Check
Said goodbye to Scratch’n Check
Got a bunch of stuff off of our registry! (thanks friends and fam!) Check
Got a few prints framed for the nursery (thanks mom) Check
Made a plan to make my own thank you cards Check
Picked out our new couches! Check
Got a Crib from Viet’s sister (thanks, Thao!) Check
Bought a dresser for the nursery (Thanks, hubs!) Check
Started to get advice on birth plans from other moms Check
Got rid of the extra couch that was in the nursery Check (Thanks, hubs!)
Cleaned out the office to start the nursery transformation Check
Bought doors for our shelves so that we could move them to the living room and out of the office Check
Started working on Finished the registry! Check
Made a real plan for the nursery and the rest of the apartment Check
Reached out to my mom friends to start gathering registry ideas. Check
Started gaining weight. Check
Found a prenatal yoga class. Check
Bought Maternity clothes (I’m obsessed). Check
Daydreamed about nursery decor. Check
Created a few pregnancy and baby PINBOARDS. Check
We’ve got one month left folks!
Growinglast few items on the To-Do list
Create a special piece of art with the hubs for the nursery wall
Start working on the bean’s quilt.
Make a list of my favorite books that I read as a kid/teen to gift her some day
I can’t believe I’m going to hold you in my arms in less than a month. Excuse these ramblings my little one. My heart and head are a flutter with thoughts, fears, and hopes.
I have to confess B, I’m scared. Motherhood seems like the biggest, scariest thing I’ve ever done, and I’m not sure anyone can ever be ready for it.
Intellectually I have a sense of the things that are coming because I have a big world of sharing and caring women around me, and I have heard their stories and know their joys and struggles when it comes to becoming “Mom.” But emotionally I am afraid the same way I was afraid on my first day of school, it’s a whole new world and even though I’ve heard what it’s like, I don’t know what I will be like in it.
My deepest, darkest worry is that I won’t be _____ enough. That I won’t be strong enough or smart enough or patient enough. I’m trying to come to peace with the fact that not being enough is inevitable. There will surely be days and moments when I am not enough, but as long as I keep loving you and keep showing up and keep being there, eventually that has to be enough in the long run.
Because all I know now is that I’m scared by how much love I you already, and the fear that comes with that much love is palpable. It’s stop-you-in-your-tracks-because-there’s-no-going-back huge. Things will never be the same, and I can already tell I’m better for it.
SO, little one, as afraid as I am, I am ready. I’m ready to hold you and to love you, and we will just figure everything else out as we go.
You are so loved, my dear, always.