I love you dearly sweet girl. You have been growing and changing so dramatically right before our eyes this week! It’s been magical to watch. Your third week of life has been quite eventful.
Your dad went back to work on Monday, which has been hard for all three of us. On Monday we took you in to meet the pediatrician for your two-week check up, and we were so proud at how much you’ve grown. You’re up to 6 pounds, 11 ounces (up from 5 pounds, 8 ounces when we left the hospital). He mentioned how alert you are to be so young. You’re looking strong and healthy on all fronts.
On Tuesday, I took you to work for the first time to attend my colleague’s retirement lunch, and in the afternoon we had your baby pictures taken (I can’t wait to see the pictures). You were so good and so cute for both. I am so proud, my dear Beatrice, every time I get to introduce you to my friends and colleagues.
On Wednesday, my mom (your Gigi!) arrived. She’s visiting us for the next two weeks as we adjust to your dad going back to work. I am so relieved and excited that she’s here, and we’ve already had several grand adventures. You went on your first trip to Target and to get groceries with me and Gigi. You are so very, very lucky little one to have such an amazing grandma in your life. She loves you so much. Get ready for all the light, love, and laughter that Gigi will bring into your life.
A few highlights from this week:
My heart seems somehow to keep growing to be able to accommodate my growing love and wonder. We are seeing more of your personality each day. You are strong willed and feisty. You are vocal when you need something, but you calm quickly once we figure out what that “something” is. Even sometimes when we don’t know why you’re crying, when I bring you up to lay you on my chest, you’ll quiet within a few moments. I’m sure it’s just my scent that calms you, but it always makes me feel like you know me and can feel how much I love you.
You are still so expressive with you hands. I tell you at least three times a day to stop scratching yourself, because you move them wildly when you get excited.
You love to be held, and I love rubbing small circles on your back to help calm you and settle you.
Have I mentioned that you stick out your tongue when you’re hungry? It’s the cutest. You seem to be having a growth spurt this week, because you have been literally eating non-stop the past few days.
This week was still hard for momma in a lot of ways. The baby blues have mostly gone away. It was very hard for me on Monday and Tuesday without daddy, because I think we both missed him terribly. Nursing has gotten a bit better, but it’s still pretty painful. I’m holding out hope that I will heal soon. In the meantime, we’re working through it together. A friend of mine emailed me last week and she wrote something extremely profound about these first few weeks of motherhood that I keep thinking about. She wrote,
“It’s really hard to endure the lows and the highs, but they are a gift. How lucky are we that we get to feel so deeply, during the most important time in our lives?”
She’s so right. Becoming a mom is a physical, emotional life-altering change, and I’m grateful for each new experience. Each moment is so valuable. Each challenge is helping me to grow and to learn how to support you and care for you. I know it is all helping me to be a better mom for you while I’m trying to learn how to simultaneously still be me.
I could write a whole book about all the new motherhood experiences that people don’t talk about, but that’s for another letter. Just know my dear, that if you become a mom some day, trust yourself and your heart and know you are not alone (even when it feels that way). I’m so grateful to all my momma friends who have emailed or called or texted me just to say, You’re not alone. You are doing a great job. It has made all the difference.
One morning this week you and I had pulled you into the bed as you started to wake and stir. Your dad had already left for work. You were waking so calmly and peacefully, and my heart was so full and eyes so teary because I was overwhelmed with how beautiful you are in every way. You opened your eyes and stared deeply at me, and you smiled your first open-eyed smile at me. My heart broke into one million pieces and each piece felt like a butterfly flying in a million different directions. I will never forget that moment as long as I live. In that moment, I felt so strongly that I was your mom.
I’m in awe of you my love, and I’m already so proud of you. I feel so lucky to be your mom, and I’m so excited for all the moments, days and years to come. Thank you for being patient with me as I slowly and clumsily learn how to take care of you.
You are so loved, always,