I feel as though I have never been as tired as I am right now. You were such an amazing sleeper in your early weeks and months that I was ill prepared to endure these recent sleepless nights.
Since I’ve been back to work, you’ve been waking up four or five times a night (you used to only wake up once a night). Even though I’m so exhausted I’m falling asleep at 9pm every night so that I can pull myself out of bed at 6am to start the day, I still cherish our sweet moments alone in the middle of the night when you wake.
I hold you close and feel your cheek in the crook of my arm, and I think, my sweet, sweet daughter.
This week we said goodbye to your Gigi and hello to your cousin Cathy. We went swimming and visited Calistoga to celebrate Gigi’s birthday.
You are so lucky, my love. For almost the next year, you’ll get to spend most of your days playing with your cousin Cathy. She is patient and kind and loving. I couldn’t ask for a better person to care for you, and I feel so relieved and grateful that’s she here with us. You’ve taken to her already.
You’re changing rapidly, my love. Your little fingers are grasping and curling and grabbing. When you nurse now, you stick your arm straight up in the air and twirl your hand and fingers like a dancer. You stroke my face in swirling movements, grasping at the edges of my chin. I love these small moments more than I can describe.
I miss you terribly during the week. I’m so happy at work (so happy!) and so busy that the days fly by, but when I’m in my car on that ten minute drive home to you it feels like eternity. I just want to have you in my arms and kiss your soft cheeks.
You’ve got the sweetest crooked little smile. You light up the world with that smile, Bean. Having you has changed me in ways I’m only beginning to grasp. When I started back to work, a good friend of mine reminded me that my heart is bigger now thanks to you (love you, Renske). I have even more capacity for love now. I’ve thought about that off and on since then, turning it over in my mind.
I literally have more love to give. My heart is bigger, my soul feels freer, I have more joy than I ever knew I could have, and it’s all because you’re here.
In many ways having a child, a daughter, isn’t like what I thought it would be like. You aren’t like me, really. I mean, you are sometimes. 🙂 That voice! So loud! So expressive!
But you’re just so you, and I love you so desperately for it. Your uniqueness is so beautiful and breathtaking every single day. There has never been a Beanshine before, and there never will be again. The twinkle in your eye. The way you crunch your shoulders up. Your sprinkling giggle.
I miss my sleep, but I’m not wishing it back again. For now, I’m content to hold you silently in my arms as many times a night as you need because I know these days are short, and my heart needs you just as much as you need me.
You are so loved, my Beanshine, always,